DragonDiaries

Sacre Blue

2006-06-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

or something like that... Did you know dragonsbane can be distilled into liquer? It's got one hell of a kick. I lost a whole day.

When I woke up, I found out 2 unpleasant things.
One: ghosts can take over your body.
Two: Dad really likes Drow.

No kidding. While I was down for the count, dear old Dad did the dirty with a Drow.
In MY body.

And I can't even remember it. :( Now, is that fair?

Met a really hot Drow babe. Her name is Mimi. Gawd, she makes me weak at the knees. She can shapechange into a wolf, too. Tough little Elven lady.

I look at her, and I know what that old perv, Dad, sees in the Drow females...

Dragon Rampage

2006-05-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, it didn't go well at all. We started out with a crash just outside of town. I blacked out and when I woke up it was morning. So much for the element of surprize.

Dad was no where to be seen. Fortunately I was in human form. Met a nice man, though; a begger named Sirrah.

It's all Dad's fault. I wanted to do a basic fly-over. You know, toss out a little dragon flame, watch them scurry around like chickens with their heads cut off...

...mmm, chickens.

Anyway, Dad insisted we had to look Schoffield over from the ground before we attacked it, so I landed and changed shape, taking damage in the process.

I gotta work on my landings, man. I'm find until the ground comes rushing up at me. I keep missing. Unfortunately, the ground doesn't. It has better aim, I guess. :P

So, there I am, sore as hell, buck-arsed nekkid and surrounded by humans. They thought I was a crazy drunk. Sirrah helped me out, bless him, and then this stupid Royal Guard showed up. I got arrested. Imagine that, Farquarte, Scorge of the Western Continent, arrested by some two bit guard. I promised Dad I'd lay low, so I went with him, but he pushed my buttons.

I finally just ate him.

...did you know soldiers got crossbows? Those things hurt like hell! Not the bows, the arrow thingies. Dad said something about quarrels, but I was too busy pulling long, pointy wooden things out of my arse to listen...

Dragon Kun Do

2004-10-01T04:17:00.000-07:00

Dad's teaching me Dragon Fu.

It's like dancing on the head of a pin, along with 10,000 other dragons, only there's a northern blowing up your arse and a load of bricks jammed down your shorts. I keep falling on my snout. It's crumpled now. :(

He's been talking a lot about the Dragon Creed. Apparently, if you use up all the gold in the land and starve the people, they can't keep paying tribute. We had a lively discussion about it just last night.

Dad: If you drain the water from this cup, there won't be anything for you to drink when you're thirsty. Get it?

me:That's okay, I don't like water anyway. Ow! That's my snout.

Dad:It's the idea, Son. Pay attention, will you? Once the cup is empty...

me:You fill it with wine and get drunk on your arse. :D Ow! My aching snout.

Dad:There... is... no... wine! Forget the damned wine! Think of the cup!

me:Why? It's empty.

Dad:So, there can't be any gold, then, can there?

me:What's gold got to do with wine? Ow! Stop that!

Dad:Let's put it another way. Suppose I ran out of ways to hit you on the snout...

me:That would be great! Ow! Dammit! I need some wine!

Dad: There...IS...NO...DAMNED...WINE!!!

me: Too bad. It would make my snout feel better...

Dragoned up

2004-09-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Ode to Gold

Ah, bright yeller metal that I adore,

Your scent, your taste, gives me pleasure galore.

If any fool tries to keep us apart,

I'll rip out his gullet and eat his black heart.

And, when that's done, I'll steal all his money,

To add to my hoard so I gots lots of honey.

Oh gold, sublime, your so neat, your so nice.

If Dad tries to take you, well, he can die twice.

Tribute

2004-09-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Dad's ghost tells me if we have a problem, we need to handle it according to the Dragon Creed.

The humans are not impressed with my dragonocity; they've been trekking accross my lands without paying tribute. I complained and he suggested a Fiery Wash of Dragon's Vengeance, but I'm not exactly equipped to pull that one off. I decided to catch a couple of merchants in the mountain pass and demand tribute.

I found a likely spot and rigged a few large rocks to fall from an overhead platform when I pulled a rope. Dad sat there making snide comments, until I told him, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." He shuddered and told me I'd been living with the humans too long.

I dozed off waiting for my victims and had another one of the flying dreams Dad finds so amusing. What is his problem?

I gotta figure out a way to breath fire. This rock-hauling is good for a temproary solution, but it's hard on my back. Besides, word gets out about the ambush, and the merchants will just find another route to Krugeville, one that doesn't take them accross my territory.

Dad made a tacky comment about my toenails growing too long. I tried to cut them, but they've gotten thick and hard. He was smirking, with that grin he gets on his snout when he knows something I don't know, which isn't hard to do, since I never went to school, so I see that look a lot.

OOoooOOOoo Nutbunnies!

2004-09-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

I'm being haunted! Dad's back, and he's following me around, going "Boo!", like it's supposed to scare me, or something.

To tell you the truth, I'm glad to see the old lizard. It's gonna be fun around here now that there's two of us.

I've been having dreams of flying and roasting towns and chasing peasants. It's so much fun I hate to wake up.

Heh, heh. You ought to see those suckers run. Strange thing, though. When ever I mention these things to Dad, he gets this evil grin on his snout and snickers. It's incredibly annoying,a nd he won't tell me what's so funny.

Maybe it's the ghost thing messing with him. I mean, when you're dead, how much blood gets to your brain?

Dad's Dead

2004-09-09T03:38:00.000-07:00

Geez, you'd think they never saw it coming!

I mean, I've been plotting to kill Dad for almost a month. What did they think I was doing with all that Dragon's Bane? Duh.

The Mayor isn't talking to me, and the Park Ranger has taken to drinking. He keeps showing up outside the caved in ruins of Dad's home, gazing at the rubble, and talking to himself. I tried to get him to slow down on the elbow-bending, and he said, "What do I have to live for?"

Of course he took the gold with him. It's buried in the cave in. My tunnel digging is slow, since I don't have anything but the shoulderbone of a sheep to use as a tool. Maybe I can think of a way to sue the government for non-support. Then, rather than pay me a stipend, they'd get down here and help me dig.

I sure miss Dad's acid sense of humor. Yesterday Professor Breathe came around, poking at me as though he were measuring me for a coffin, and I wanted to turn to Dad and ask him to eat the creep. But the old lizard wasn't there.

I wonder what dragon heaven is like? Although, I doubt Dad would make it there. He liked stirring up trouble a little too much. He'd be bored to tears in a place where he had to be good all the time.

Dragonbane's Delightful

2004-09-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

Dad is slowly biting the big one. I just hope he goes before he catches on and takes me with him.

I wish I'd known how rank a dying dragon can get. I have to air out he cave daily to keep going in there. I tried washing him down, I even tried fumigating the cave with smoke and burning herbs. Nothing helps.

I wonder, if I sneak into town and raid the Mayor's house, will I find any nice herbal remedy for Dad's stench?

Nobody ever told me patricide could be so messy.

Dad got me to laughing yesterday. He told me the latest one about the Park Ranger and the Virgin. I wonder if he's been shape shifting into human orm and listening outside Alyssa's window.

I'm gonna miss that old lizard when he goes...

EEk!

2004-07-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

I just found out what Prof. Breathe is always talking about. Vivy-sec-shun...He wants to pop me open to see what makes me tick. I ought to pop him one, right in that craggy nose of his.

I snuck into town today and raided the Mayor's house. Alyssa, his daughter, was home, and she cought me, but instead of screaming bloody murder, which I couldn't manage now a-days, as weak as I'm getting, she helped me figure out what the creepy scientist means. Alyssa is alright for a virgin. She doesn't seem to hold it against me that I kidnapped her last summer.

She says I should try fishing when the creek thaws out this spring. She says it will put some meat on my bones and shut the professor up.

I told her I was sorry I'd kidnapped her, and she said it was alright, she understood.

Food's getting scarce

2004-07-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

The winter's killing off all the scrub grass, and my government food is starving. The city brings me 2 sheep and one cow each week, to feed me, but I can't eat that much meat. So they roam over the mountain, until the farmers catch them and sell them back to the city, which brings them back up to the mountain and cuts them loose.

Pretty nice for the humans, but it's hell on the government food. With all their running around, when I finally do kill one and eat it, the meat is tough.

The sheep are bare bones and the cows are spare ribs. Dad says there's not enough meat on them to bother with, but he eats them anyway, whenever his supply runs low.

It's freezing out there. Dad keeps the cavern warm, but I nearly freeze my arse off everytime I step out onto the mountain.

Professor Breathe came by today. He gives me the creeps. He told Dad I wouldn't last the winter, as thin as I was, so Dad bugged the Park Ranger into bringing me a few potatos from town. He said if I planted one or two of them I could grow my own. I tried that once, but the govenrment food ate my crops.

roasted apples

2004-07-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

Love them. Pickles are good too. They're Dad's faviorites. I got into it with the Royal Park Ranger and raided his house. He didn't have any pickes, :(, but the apples roasted up just fine.

So did his house. I didn't get to see any fireworks this year, but the Ranger had a lot of pine wood doors in his house and when I torched it, the thing kept making loud popping noises. Still, it would have been cool to make it into the town for the festival. Dad made it up to me, though. He had me gather a bunch of pinecones, then lit them on fire. They started blowing up, making a hell of a noise. The ranger ran up the trail to our cavern to see what was going on.

He wasn't too happy at first, and said we were polluting the air, which violated the Royal Clean Air act, paragraph P, subsection U, but Dad tossed him an apple and told him to lighten up.

Dad's pisn me off

2004-07-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

He won't give me an allowance. I tryd to sell Athentik Dragin Artifacks but the tax man cleaned me out. Then the sientists came to the cave and Dad let them check out his teeth. I thot for shure he'd eat um, but he is such a ham. He luvs the atenshun.

wot's discriminashun? disernment? Dad says thay got it. Hope it ain't catching. I alreaddy got a cold.

Just Learning this stuff

2004-07-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

My name is farquarte and I'm pretty new to this writnig stuff. my master, fenchum the dragonnn is letting me copy out of his cook bookee

pressed virgin undr glass

takle 20 pounds of ground vergin meat.
sautee... what the hell does that mean? What? Well why didn't you just say, cook it in butter?

then spread in bottom of siver dish and cover with sause...

what sause? oh, go to page 22987 for the sause recipeee...

buggers. Just jam a long stick down her throat and pull it out her arse, then set her over a fire. She'll cook.